i will constantly make bad art. i whisper to myself as i start to feel bad about what i have created. it is a good reminder. i don’t always have to force myself to make something worthwhile every time i decide to sit down and get creative. a friend once told me to keep writing poetry even when nobody will read it. keep making art even when it’s crap. i will constantly make bad art. and then i will make good ones.
This has been another grand birthday. It’s not like I threw the hottest party of the year or anything but I did find great things to be grateful for in just my seventeen years of existence. I have to admit, I almost wanted to just give up on life at some point and just get on a hippie van and live on the mountains but I realized that there are actually a lot of things that makes me want to keep going.
I am grateful for being alive. Life is a scary and beautiful thing and though it has been very tough and bitter, it has truly been a great privilege to be alive. For countless times I have questioned the meaning of my existence (welp, there goes the quarter-life existential crisis), searching for my purpose but was fruitless. I found my life completely pointless and I wanted to just give up and become a hippie (also because I want a hippie van heh) but I was wrong. I realized I don’t really have to think and worry about everything all at once. I don’t have to figure everything out. Maybe I will eventually but, really who has figured everything out? Let things happen and I’ll try to figure out what I can along the way. Besides, I’m just seventeen! I have a long way to go. Better embrace my youth while I still can. And by that I mean watch a lot of Disney, build a pillow fortress and eat all the ice cream I can. Cause I strongly believe that my only goal in life is to be genuinely happy, to die happy.
I am grateful for my mind and soul. Of course, you aren’t really alive if you don’t have an independent mind and soul. And it just fascinates me, realizing that I am actually a fully functioning human being I mean I’m not just merely existing you know, I could think and feel. And these things, though could be really scary and beautiful at the same time, these are what molded me into the person that I am right now. And I am confident enough to say that I have a beautiful mind and soul and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for all the hardships and heartaches. (warning!: read at own risk there’s gonna be cliche metaphors and a lot of em too!) “Happy is the heart that still feels pain,” I couldn’t agree more to this quote. For countless times, I have cried and break. Sometimes I crumble and sometimes I explode. But I’d rather feel pain you see, than feel nothing at all. I’ve learned a lot from pain and these battle scars are my memento. These are my constant reminders that I’ve grown and nourished so much from everything I’ve been through. And I wouldn’t change a single thing about that.
I am grateful for all the people that I have in my life. I’ve been selfish and blind. All that self-loathing? Yeah that was completely pointless. Why? Cause I have all of you awesome people who loves me for the sole reason that, well… I am me. You showed me that I don’t have to be smarter, I don’t have to be prettier just for you guys to accept cause you already all do. My awesome family and friends, and awesome best friends of course. Whether they’ve been with me ever since or just for a short while, whether they stayed or just passed by, whether I met them in real life or just online, no words can express how truly grateful I am for having you guys. And I couldn’t ask for anything more. Thank you for being part of this one hell of a ride. It is truly a privilege!
‘Til next year again!