who are you? no, i mean like, who are you when the universe isn’t looking? when everyone is looking the other way. when the curtains are closed and you’re alone in your bedroom, alone with your thoughts. or when no one hears the words you say or the songs you sing. who are you when you’re sober? who are you when you’re not? when you’re genuinely happy. or exceedingly hurt. who are you when you wake up in the morning? or when you go to sleep at night? what kind of dreams do you dream? or nightmares do you fear? who are you really? no, I mean like, who are you when you’re not trying to be yourself?
it’s strange how foreign yet so familiar the woods are. how i feel lost yet calm out in the wilderness. how the rough earth beneath my feet feels like carpet. how the rustling of leaves remind me of me and my sister’s seemingly endless whispering when we couldn’t easily fall asleep at night. how i feel safe sleeping under a million stars. how the waves feel like satin sheets against my skin. how the wind is harsh but gentle like a kiss. and how the moon shines dimly like an old night light. it leaves an empty longing feeling in my stomach. making me miss home so badly.
i am home. 🙂
i am not art. i don’t have galaxies in my mind and diamonds in my eyes. my tears don’t resemble the stars in the sky. i don’t watch sunsets die and my voice isn’t a symphony. my skin is nothing like satin and i’m not sad and beautiful enough to become poetry.
and sometimes i wish i was. i wish i could be that person you’d write poems about. i wish i could be so broken that artists would die to paint all my flaws on a blank canvas and people would cry at the sight of my skin. but i guess i’d rather just be plain and dull, than be tragically beautiful.
Something has been bothering me for the past three months. It’s that I can’t think of anything to write. Usually I write about something that interests me. But these past few months have been nothing but blank sheets. I’ve been lying on my back waiting for inspiration to come leaking out of the cracks on the wall or the ones on my palms. I’ve attempted to write but words keep getting tangled up in the paper lines. For the first time in a long while, I can’t think of anything to write. Or find any reason to.
I would blame writer’s block but really it was only because I wasn’t passionate enough. I really don’t have any good excuse other than I was unmotivated and lazy. I tried though. For countless time I’ve attempted to write. I tried to look for things to write about in the places that I went and the people that I’ve met and even haven’t. But I didn’t exactly know what I wanted to find. I tried to write about the cracks on the wall. Not very interesting. I tried writing about politics. Not exactly my thing. I tried to write about coffee. I prefer drinking it really. And now I regret hating my 2 am thoughts cause my coffee has gone cold and I hate the irony of writing about not knowing what to write.
This may be a tad late but I’ve been having butterflies and daisies in my stomach when I found out that I’ve been nominated for the Premio Dardos Blog Award. It’s not anything as grand as an Oscar award but the meaning behind this award is really beautiful. Premio Dardos or Prize Darts is an award given from one blogger to another in recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing. So a big thanks to Jessica for nominating me for this lovely award. Just the simple gesture of acknowledging my blog truly warms my heart. ❤ So, please do give her blog, In The Universe, a cheeky read. 😀
There are, however, a few rules that follow this award:
♣ If you have been nominated, pay it forward and nominate some blogs of your choice.
♣ Include the image of Premio Dardos in your blog post.
And below are my nominees that definitely deserves this award:
♣ Love, Light and Lace
♣ Nicole’s Miscellaneous Adventures
♣ Paper Planes
♣ A Modern Perspective
♣ Truth and Cake
This has been another grand birthday. It’s not like I threw the hottest party of the year or anything but I did find great things to be grateful for in just my seventeen years of existence. I have to admit, I almost wanted to just give up on life at some point and just get on a hippie van and live on the mountains but I realized that there are actually a lot of things that makes me want to keep going.
I am grateful for being alive. Life is a scary and beautiful thing and though it has been very tough and bitter, it has truly been a great privilege to be alive. For countless times I have questioned the meaning of my existence (welp, there goes the quarter-life existential crisis), searching for my purpose but was fruitless. I found my life completely pointless and I wanted to just give up and become a hippie (also because I want a hippie van heh) but I was wrong. I realized I don’t really have to think and worry about everything all at once. I don’t have to figure everything out. Maybe I will eventually but, really who has figured everything out? Let things happen and I’ll try to figure out what I can along the way. Besides, I’m just seventeen! I have a long way to go. Better embrace my youth while I still can. And by that I mean watch a lot of Disney, build a pillow fortress and eat all the ice cream I can. Cause I strongly believe that my only goal in life is to be genuinely happy, to die happy.
I am grateful for my mind and soul. Of course, you aren’t really alive if you don’t have an independent mind and soul. And it just fascinates me, realizing that I am actually a fully functioning human being I mean I’m not just merely existing you know, I could think and feel. And these things, though could be really scary and beautiful at the same time, these are what molded me into the person that I am right now. And I am confident enough to say that I have a beautiful mind and soul and I am grateful for that.
I am grateful for all the hardships and heartaches. (warning!: read at own risk there’s gonna be cliche metaphors and a lot of em too!) “Happy is the heart that still feels pain,” I couldn’t agree more to this quote. For countless times, I have cried and break. Sometimes I crumble and sometimes I explode. But I’d rather feel pain you see, than feel nothing at all. I’ve learned a lot from pain and these battle scars are my memento. These are my constant reminders that I’ve grown and nourished so much from everything I’ve been through. And I wouldn’t change a single thing about that.
I am grateful for all the people that I have in my life. I’ve been selfish and blind. All that self-loathing? Yeah that was completely pointless. Why? Cause I have all of you awesome people who loves me for the sole reason that, well… I am me. You showed me that I don’t have to be smarter, I don’t have to be prettier just for you guys to accept cause you already all do. My awesome family and friends, and awesome best friends of course. Whether they’ve been with me ever since or just for a short while, whether they stayed or just passed by, whether I met them in real life or just online, no words can express how truly grateful I am for having you guys. And I couldn’t ask for anything more. Thank you for being part of this one hell of a ride. It is truly a privilege!
‘Til next year again!
(A bit late but yeah, posting it anyway 😀 )
The woman who loves me unconditionally from birth. The one who used to spend sleepless nights just to watch me sleep peacefully at night. Sure, she complains but I know she’ll never get tired of taking care of us. And she’ll never give up on us. I admire her. I admire how strong she is. Even with everything she’s going through right now she’s still able to smile and laugh and not just be the best mother but also the bestest best friend. I admire how she’s willing to sacrifice anything for us. I admire how patient she is with me and my sister even though we could be pretty stubborn sometimes. I admire how unconditional her love is. My mom is extraordinary. But words are never enough to define her.
Without my mom, I wouldn’t be where I am right now, cliche but that’s the truth. I always fail to show my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and how much I appreciate them, so I want to let my mum know that this time I want to be the one to take care of her. I want to be the one to tuck her in bed at night and sing her to sleep. And that even if I get annoyed at her sometimes; like when she forces me to wear something I don’t like (heh) yeah that, despite all that, I will forever love her and I’m sorry if I don’t listen to you sometimes (okay maybe most of the time heh) but I will always look up to everything that you teach me. And no one in the world would ever come close to being you. No one could ever replace you.
Love you, Ma! ❤
And Happy Mother’s Day! 🙂